Blessed Holy Father,
It is I, Mother Superior Helen Highwater, your (until recently) humble servant at the Holy Order of the Sisters of Mercy.
As the omnipotent seer of all things, I am sure you are quite aware of the misfortune that recently befell our quiet little convent. My sisters and I were all quite content doing your bidding.
Unfortunately, Father Neal decided to make changes that greatly damaged our beloved house of the Lord.
Lord, I’ll be blunt. He went batshit crazy.
He installed a terrible replacement for me and began killing off enemies. You were a witness to the murder of Sister Adriana. I pleaded the Vatican for resolution and found that bastard was simply transferred to Madison, Wisconsin, where he and his henchmen attempted to have dark evil forces overtake the state capital.
Forgive me, Lord, but I can’t help being disgusted by the thought of “Father” Neal having his dalliances with that madam from Hell, Theresa, who fancies herself a saint. Oh, what blasphemy!
And after failing in Madison–and I do thank you for that, dear Lord–they decided to come back and raise zombie prostitutes out of the ground, lead by the detestable Hack Jack the Zombie Mack.
Sister Angela and Sister Amy tried their best. Forgive us for turning to the quick, easy method of using immense firepower and sexy wily ways to defeat your enemies, but we were at wit’s end. How much easier it would have been for Father Neal, Theresa and Hack Jack to find your loving ways. Instead, they demanded lust, flesh and blood.
I lost Angela and Amy. I was overwhelmed, Lord, and could not figure out what to do. And so I was tempted by the despicable horned one into saving the world by giving up of myself.
Forgive me, Lord. Forgive me for saying “take me!” in my vile foolishness to think of myself in a moment of weakness.
If I ask for one thing, Lord, it is…well, a little bit of credit for ridding the world of those ungodly demons. I pray that the world is now safe for your love, our church, our children, puppies, bunnies and all other living creatures on your beautiful creation called Earth.
Please help me seek out Sister Amy in the hopes that she is still able to be saved from the clutches of the prince of darkness.
I ask this in your name, for you are the power and the glory in all the universe.